I've stopped writing. I've stopped journaling, blogging, and I've even stopped ranting on social media. I tell myself I've stopped due to lack of inspiration. Am I being honest with myself? In short, the answer is no. On the contrary, an honest statement would be that I have become lazy. I spend hours at a time scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. Not to mention the countless episodes of Netflix I pride myself in watching every week. I don't mean for it to sound like I am making social media out to be a useless pastime, because I do spend much of my time researching thought provoking and mind-stimulating articles and videos. However, why have I convinced myself that this is enough? How is skimming, scrolling, liking, commenting, pinning, and watching, mobilizing my vision?
Inside my head, my life is separated into two parts: before my gap year with TBB & after my gap year with TBB. I distinguish between the two based on the experiences which shaped the perception I now see the world around me through. But, here's the thing. I've been home now for almost two years. It has been over two years ago that I left on the adventure in the first place. This is a lot of time; considering the dilemma I am facing by catching myself referring to timespans as "before I left", "while I was gone", and "after I got back". Why am I still finding it difficult to merge the two together? Sure, I'm a different person. I've made different life choices, and now have different preferences and opinions. But, I'm still Savannah. Right? Why does it have to be "Savannah" and "Savannah: The Sequel"?
You probably think I am looking too much into this.
Wrong.
Because, I know I sound crazy.
But, here's my point.
I'll be 21 in less than two months. I'm a sophomore at a University that I, nearly, hate everything about. I've dropped two classes this semester, and even though I am listed as an Agriculture Science major, I'm taking a total of zero agriculture courses this semester. I'm currently in the process of changing my major to Journalism, and I do plan on transferring Universities in fall of 2016. I have a short term plan to make myself happier, but I still cannot help but feel bogged down. It's as if I'm constantly trying to cohere the two parts of my life. When in reality, I know there is no real line of separation. I'm really, really, struggling to put my life LEGO set of 45,670 pieces together. And for the record: when I look over a piece, and then step on it later--it hurts like a bitch.
I'm so frustrated with myself that I know this writing is not going to flow when I reread it. But, I'll still click that publish button, because its the most writing I've put together in six months. Which really may not seem like a big deal to you, except writing is where I feel the most freedom. It's the only place I can tell the truth without fear of consequence or judgement. Writing is the only way I know how to sort through my emotions, and the only way I know how to process. My words are really the only thing I can stand behind with assurance. And not just the words themselves, but the way they come together to make ideas and proclamations in a way that words from my mouth simply cannot.
This is why I am so bewildered by my own will to have stopped. Because, what if this is the only way to connect my two parts together to make one life. If time is on a continuum then there really is no such thing as a sequel; and the first one is usually better left open-ended anyways.
Inside my head, my life is separated into two parts: before my gap year with TBB & after my gap year with TBB. I distinguish between the two based on the experiences which shaped the perception I now see the world around me through. But, here's the thing. I've been home now for almost two years. It has been over two years ago that I left on the adventure in the first place. This is a lot of time; considering the dilemma I am facing by catching myself referring to timespans as "before I left", "while I was gone", and "after I got back". Why am I still finding it difficult to merge the two together? Sure, I'm a different person. I've made different life choices, and now have different preferences and opinions. But, I'm still Savannah. Right? Why does it have to be "Savannah" and "Savannah: The Sequel"?
You probably think I am looking too much into this.
Wrong.
Because, I know I sound crazy.
But, here's my point.
I'll be 21 in less than two months. I'm a sophomore at a University that I, nearly, hate everything about. I've dropped two classes this semester, and even though I am listed as an Agriculture Science major, I'm taking a total of zero agriculture courses this semester. I'm currently in the process of changing my major to Journalism, and I do plan on transferring Universities in fall of 2016. I have a short term plan to make myself happier, but I still cannot help but feel bogged down. It's as if I'm constantly trying to cohere the two parts of my life. When in reality, I know there is no real line of separation. I'm really, really, struggling to put my life LEGO set of 45,670 pieces together. And for the record: when I look over a piece, and then step on it later--it hurts like a bitch.
I'm so frustrated with myself that I know this writing is not going to flow when I reread it. But, I'll still click that publish button, because its the most writing I've put together in six months. Which really may not seem like a big deal to you, except writing is where I feel the most freedom. It's the only place I can tell the truth without fear of consequence or judgement. Writing is the only way I know how to sort through my emotions, and the only way I know how to process. My words are really the only thing I can stand behind with assurance. And not just the words themselves, but the way they come together to make ideas and proclamations in a way that words from my mouth simply cannot.
This is why I am so bewildered by my own will to have stopped. Because, what if this is the only way to connect my two parts together to make one life. If time is on a continuum then there really is no such thing as a sequel; and the first one is usually better left open-ended anyways.
